Just keep in mind these things before you read:
- Don't say, "It's good." Good is not good enough. I either want, "IT'S AMAZING," or, "This and this needs work." (And don't just say it's amazing because I told you not to say it's good... if that made sense.)
- Also don't say, "I shouldn't critique because I can't do any better," because a) don't put down your own writing like that, and b) writing and critiquing are two different things. Just because you don't think you can do one doesn't mean you shouldn't do the other.
- Do not be afraid to be honest. If I can't take it, then I shouldn't be working toward the publishing industry anyway. This field is littered with criticism.
- This is going out to literary agents. It needs to be perfect. I need it to stand out in an inbox full of a hundred other queries, and your critiquing may very well be what helps me get published.
So here is my next draft:
Scientists should have known what would ensue after they
recreated life. It was supposed to be a breakthrough. It was supposed to put an
end to cancer, disease, old age. But our new life began to retaliate. We
learned they were hostile. They learned how to control our dead, using our own
bodies to destroy us.
Now, twenty years later, our world is reaching
extinction. Human remains are a natural part of the environment. Cannibalism is
an acceptable form of survival. Our scientific breakthrough still haunts the
streets.
Jenesis has managed to keep herself alive this long, but
survival is hard in a world whose resources have run out. She can no longer
take care of herself and her mysterious ally Juno. Strength, like everything
else, fades with time and the ease of giving up overpowers the will to
live—they are just going to die anyway. But then somebody else shows up, and he
changes everything.
Hey Brynne!
ReplyDeleteSo, per your instructions. I am not saying "it's good." :)
First of all, I like the concept. It seems like the plotline has potential! On the other hand, if I was an agent, I'd like a little more information. (Are 'they' scientists? Evil people? Zombies?) and especially the boy at the end (name? age?). From the summaries I've seen, it starts more like (in 17 year old Jenesis 'last name' 's world, scientists..... See what I mean?
There were a few times when I was confused about the POV as well. Like in this sentence:
"Strength, like everything else, fades with time and the ease of give up overpowers the will to live- they are just going to die anyway."
I would say:
"Strength, like everything else, fades with time, and the ease of giving up almost overpowers Jenesis' will to live; she's just going to die anyway."
(From what I've seen on Twitter, agents hate em-dashes.)
Smooth those couple things over, and I think you've got a pretty amazing synopsis on your hands! I hope this helped you, and even though you can't see my face right now, I'm smiling. I would love to read this book!
Olivia
P.S. Are you on yalitchat.ning.com? I just tried it out yesterday, but they have a fantastic forum for query/synopsis review with real agents and published author helping you out. It'd be a great second opinion!
Oh awesome! Thank you so much, this helps a whole lot!!
DeleteI love critiquing pitches. I don't know if it'll be that helpful for a query, but I'd love to help!
ReplyDeleteThe first lines are captivating--the first two paragraphs, actually. It really sets the mood of the whole story. It's a great hook.
The second paragraph makes me wonder how exactly this information goes with the plot, though. Are these scenes that Jenesis and friends witness? They have to push through, maybe? All of these descriptions set the mood, and story, wonderfully, but it may be a little too much.
I think it should be "hard in a world [where] resources have run out." 'Where' is what I usually see in similar sentences, like when speaking about the world/earth.
"-they are just going to die anyway." I don't like how this line is delivered. It may sound better as posed as a question, but that may by my personal taste. The whole sentence is rather long already. I think it would do better as it's own sentence. It doesn't flow well.
The last line doesn't do it for me. It's too vague, too ... "well, of course someone comes in a fixes things up", I think. Maybe it could be something like "Not all hope is lost when somebody [insert phrase here]." I know how hard it is to come up with a good hook at the end of pitches. :/
Going back, the second and third sentences "She can..." and "Strength, like..." don't flow very well together. I can see where they could sort of go, but isn't clear. Including "her" before strength might help.
The only thing I might say to go back on is the characters, in that there isn't too much on them. Jenesis is the main character, right? If so, I think doing what I stated above could help with her character.
Overall, I think removing the second paragraph may be necessary. It is wonderful for world building, but it might be a bit much. The may thing would be put more focus on the plot. The two girls are trying to stay alive, and what's at stake would be their lives, right?
I found and saved a little checklist for queries (I can't remember where I put it together) that includes the hook, main character(s), what's at stake, and then clearly explaining the world (for sci-fi/fantasy, mainly). It might be helpful to have.
I hope this helps you some. I really do love the first two paragraphs. This world sounds amazing!
Oh goodness ... sorry for the long comment. O_o
DeleteThank you! I appreciate this so much, I don't care how long it is :].
DeleteSorry if this is a repeat, but I'm at work and don't have time to read the other comments. :)
DeleteA couple suggestions: I would change "our life" to "this life" in the first paragraph. Also, the pronoun changes from "it" to "they". It should remain consistent. I like "it".
The first paragraph explains clearly what "life" is, and how it took control, important for the setup of the story. Well done! :)
When you say "Our...breakthrough still haunts the streets, do you mean the zombies themselves? Or the aftermath of their destruction? Maybe that could be clearer.
Great job depicting the dire condition of the world! It sounds hopeless! I love this. Some agent has GOT to pick this up!
I would recommend using a word other than "mysterious" to describe Juno, only because that word is overused in book descriptions. Other than that, ASDFGHJKL; I REALLY HOPE YOU GET THIS PUBLISHED I WOULD READ IT DEFINITELY IT SOUNDS INCREDIBLE.
ReplyDeleteHaha okay thanks! xD
DeleteBut..The thing is...I really do think this is AMAZING!!!. The only thing 'Flawed' is personally, the last sentance. It's so overused, and I think you could come up with something better. And I agree the with word mysterious for Juno- again you could conjure up something better.
ReplyDeleteBut oh my god this is amazing! I want to read this as soon as it's finished. Or published. Preferably finished.
SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!
Lauren (campshadowblood ahaha)
Thank you so much!!!
DeleteI was a little iffy about that last sentence. It did seem kinda cliche and anticlimactic haha.
Ok, so I had time to read the other comments now. :) I disagree about removing the second paragraph. DON'T do it! In this type of story, the setting IS a big part of the plot, and definitely will help sell the story. In fact, I think a little MORE description of this world wouldn't hurt. It sounds fascinating and makes you want to read it JUST BECAUSE of how the world is. :)
ReplyDeleteTo be completely honest, I really really like this re-write and i couldn't give any advice without reading parts of the actual manuscript (for instance, the meeting of Jenesis and Juno). Although a bit over-used, mysterious is appropriate in places. But I just wanted to say that I think this one is much more telling than the first one. if or when i ever write a book, I will be horrible with this part: I hate trying to sell something I've done or written. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGAAHH, I WANT TO READ YOUR STORY SO BAADDD!!
ReplyDeleteHowever, I have some critique (it may sound a bit scattered).
First of all, I'm going to start with the last sentence. I agree that it sounds cliche. I've lost count of how many times I've read a sentence like that.
Is the person from the last sentence a love interest? This might sound like a weird question, but the fact that you included his gender (and the fact that he's the opposite sex of both Juno and Jenesis) suggests [to me] that he probably is going to be a love interest for one of the two.
If he isn't, I suggest to change "But then somebody else shows up, and he changes everything." to "But then somebody else shows up, and changes everything."
Actually, unless romance plays a major/important role in your story, I suggest to change that part. The reason why, is because it puts a lot of emphasis on-not only the character-but suggestion of a possible romance. (Sorry if this sounds kind of confusing)
Though the emphasis on the character is necessary, since (unless I'm mistaken) he plays an important role in the plot (excluding possible romance).
Second, I advice you to change the description of "mysterious" for Juno. It's overused. I suggest using a word like 'enigmatic' instead, or changing that small part completely in a way that suggest that Juno's character/past/anything else is a mystery.
Now for some praise!! :D
I really liked the first and second paragraph. They gave me a fantastic view of the world setting. I can already see Jenesis and Juno walking through the streets in search of provisions. I can imagine them hiding out somewhere, praying that they'll see another day. GAAH, I LOVE IT!
You give enough information to give me a glimpse of the world that they live in, but yet leave me with so much suspense. I want to know more, I want to live through the eyes of the character and experience what they go through!
Plus, you tell us what went wrong, how they ended up in that world. I find this to be something crucial in a dystopian world setting! You wrote it in a way that we get an idea of what happened, but we don't know enough. And to learn more, we would have to read the book.
I wouldn't know, but perhaps you're being to vague for the agent. But, like I said, I wouldn't know. However, as an avid reader, it was enough.
Brynne, you've managed to peak my interest.
I'm really looking forward to reading this story. :D
Oh, sorry for the long post -___-"
DeleteI didn't even realize that I wrote so much...
Hi Brynne!
ReplyDeleteI think its very intriguing! I'm sure its your baby and you've put so much effort into this so I'm glad to help in any way I can :=)
To critique it: since stories are about people and their journey, I would mention Jenesis earlier, not spend 2 paragraphs without her; you can link what you described to her views, since its HER world, right?
I'm not sure "our" is the best pronoun to use in our world/ our new life. The POV isn't so clear to me. Maybe the world?
"Human remains are a natural part of the environment." I needed to read these twice to get it. Do you mean the dead are left to rot? Because a "natural" part of the environment almost sounds like a good thing.
"Our scientific breakthrough still haunts the streets." The "new life"/ scientific breakthough isn't so clear to me, and maybe it doesn't have to be, but the phrasing is a bit awkward.
"Strength, like everything else, fades with time and the ease of giving up overpowers the will to live—they are just going to die anyway." I would change "the ease of giving up. Maybe: Strength, like everything else, fades with time. What if it's easier to give up than to keep fighting to stay alive? Jenesis can't help but think they're going to die. Or Jenesis can't shake the feeling that they're going to die.
Some mentioned to change the last sentence. I actually like it. It's a hook, it leaves you hanging. It doesn't give you much information though. If you do decide to change it, just give a small hint of what he changes...
Best wishes with everything!
PS: just curious, why is she called Jenesis? Like genesis with a J?
...*sucks at critiques*
ReplyDeleteif it's anything, I'd definitely read it after reading that synopsis. :)
I wish you all the luck in the world, Brynne! :)
Delete(And please, please, give me advice on how to be so awesome, or how to just have the patience to finish a book!)